I Rant Because I Can’t

(Yet one more entry in the never ending chronicle of middle age and embracing my inner crankiness.)

This morning I rode to work and I ate my concoction of strawberry flavored carb control yogurt mixed with Kashi granola, washing it all down with a Fresca. Sitting at a red light I came to the realization that I was a prisoner to my body and its needs. Or maybe I am a prisoner to the fear of what my body will become if I do not feed it fake food (and, yes, that is what it is. Compare real sour cream and fat free sour cream—one is obviously fake!). I often threaten to give up the battle and just let it go, to test the unproven theory that I will balloon to an unwieldy girth if I eat what I want without any mental and emotional filters. To explore the world of sweat pants and XXL shirts. But I won’t; I am way too narcissistic to go down without a fight. Some call it discipline. I call it fear. Oh sure, I balance it all with a stated desire to be healthy and “take care of myself,” but it has more to do with vanity; health is a convenient cover.

One of my fantasies is I will be afforded a two or three month warning of my impending death and I will then eat any and everything I want with zero reservations. That only comes into play if heaven is not equipped with an incredible all-you-can-eat buffet with no need for digestive enzymes when you are done. What’s that? Why, yes, that is a shallow interpretation of heaven but, since I cannot seem to wrap my small, human brain around the few descriptions in the Bible, I have to use what I know and I know that I want to eat a hamburger, not a Bocca Burger. I want to eat real ice cream, not Healthy Choice white something shaped into blocks to resemble an ice cream sandwich. I want a calzone, not a chef salad with a meatball on the side. I want blue cheese dressing, not balsamic vinaigrette. I want a baked potato with butter and (real) sour cream as well as cheese, not a sweet potato with Butter Buds and Splenda. And I want it all without guilt or indigestion. And that, to me, would be, well... heaven.