Entry Sixty-two: Save Me, Black Jesus

[A story in many parts: Part Thirteen of Thirteen]

Chapter Nine

Oh my god. Everyone is here. They’re all gathered around my bed and they’re all staring at me, crying and holding each other. Is this it? Is it time? What happens next? Eve? Can’t you tell me what happens next? Mom? Hector? Somebody could say something! Quit focusing on yourself for a few minutes and let me in on the plans! I need something from you.

Oh man, this is really it. I can tell. I can tell just by looking at everybody. Why am I so nervous? What’s there to be nervous about? The unknown? It can’t be worse than where I am right now. I’ll probably just go to sleep and not wake up. No more beeping monitors, no more people in and out of my room, keeping me annoyed, poking me, shining lights in my eyes. I may finally get some peace.

Uh oh, there’s the Oriental doctor. He’s talking to Eve but his voice is all muffled. She’s just staring at me without blinking, tears running down her face. She just nodded. Now she’s leaning in, right in front of my face and she just told me she loved me, short and sweet. No big speech but that’s understandable. I love you, too, baby. Always have.

I can’t believe this is it. Just like that I’ll be gone. Or will it take longer than I’m thinking? Will I be sad? I know they are. At least they look sad. Will I feel anything? It’s frustrating not to know but what does it matter? It doesn’t, does it? This is probably best, me leaving. But where do I go? Am I supposed to do something or will I just kind of know? Will there be a light to follow? I read that somewhere. But if there’s a light does that mean something is waiting on me? Now that sucks. I didn’t remember that “following the light” scenario until right now. I used to laugh at that idea but now I’m thinking it would be nice to have something to follow. Otherwise, how will I know what to do? At least moving toward a light would give me the first step. I don’t need this confusion; I had it figured out. Sleep and don’t wake up; it was simple. The longest nap known to man. But right now I’m wondering. I’ve got some doubts.

Oh man, what was that? Everything just changed… my chest feels like it’s caving in. Can’t catch my… breath. I feel so… heavy…dark. It’s getting darker… where’s the light?… there should be a light… no light… will there be a light?… where’s the light?… light… light…save me, Black Jesus…

All words and images ©2005/J. Colle

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