8/15/2012

Alone Again, Unnaturally


“Jesus used many similar stories and illustrations to teach the people as much as they could understand. In fact, in his public ministry He never taught without using parables; but afterward, when He was alone with His disciples, He explained everything to them.” Mark 4: 33, 34 (NLT)

I wonder if there is a parallel in these words with our present day lives and our ability to understand, well, anything? Sometimes I think my life is one giant parable, occasionally making sense on one level but giving off the vibe that there is something deeper going on. It is a lot easier to just ignore the possibility of another layer, but should I? What would it take for me to glimpse, much less understand, what is going on below the surface? 

In a biography by Eric Metaxas, I read that Dietrich Bonhoeffer used to have his seminary students spend one hour every morning quietly contemplating a small section of scripture. Alone. (There was initial resistance to his methodology—and this was before cable and the internet!) We live in such a loud, busy, fast world that we barely have time to spend with friends face-to-face so we relegate our relationships to the digital realm via texts, retweets, comments and “likes” on Facebook. As crazy as it sounds to our 21st century ears, maybe getting alone with Jesus gives Him space and time to explain things to us. We just need the discipline to carve it out and do it. 

How? I can’t answer that for you. Only you know what will work for you, what will need to be given up (yes, there will need to be sacrifices), what will need to be done. But it is worth consideration even if it isn’t easy.

Here is an added bonus for contemplation from Charles Spurgeon, commenting on Genesis 24; 63, “Isaac went out to meditate in the field toward evening.”: “We would all know more, live closer to God, and grow in grace if we were alone more often. Meditation chews the cud and extracts the real nutriments from the mental food gathered elsewhere. When Jesus is the theme, meditation is sweet indeed.”

8/13/2012

Us: Evolution of Leadership


[This series will run every Monday and Friday for as long as I can remember the stories within 79% accuracy. Check back often or, better yet, use the RSS (Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)and sign up for automatic reminders whenever there is a new post.]

I am not sure if anyone is a natural parent. Even if you are prone to nurturing and selflessness, there are too many variables that kick in once you bring a newborn home from the hospital. You can have all the help and advice in the world but there will always come that time you find yourself facing something you never thought possible, an event no one even hinted at, and you realize you are truly alone. The next step is all yours. Like when William was two and Hope called me into the bedroom to show me how the Bubble Yum that he had somehow found was now attempting an exit from his little body and was pulling like taffy from his backside. That was never mentioned in a book; we were left to our own devices to work things out.

In our family, I have to give the nod to Hope as being the parent who “got” it the fastest. I have no doubt it was born out of necessity as well as a gift from estrogen, but, regardless where it came from, she slid comfortably into the Parenting Classroom Called Life, ready to learn while I was still on the playground, sneaking cigarettes behind the slide.

I look back on my evolution as a dad and see there were levels. Newborns are awesome, fairly easy to maintain, and I figured I was pulling my weight by changing a diaper or two and letting the babies fall asleep on my chest every night. Lying on the floor, watching them try to lift their heads was fun and I was the king of funny noises and rolling around with them. All of that fit into the category of maintenance. Plus, I had to get back to work.

For the majority of our children’s early, formative years, Hope was home with them. It was a desire of ours and God, along with tight budgeting, made it happen. This meant Hope did most of the heavy lifting in child rearing while I was away at work. To compound matters, while Hope was pregnant with William and I was working at the Kennedy Space Center in Titusville, the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded and the local economy tanked. I eventually found a new job in Orlando, which was a blessing but it was also 55 miles of driving each way. My time away from home got extended. Suffice it to say I was having trouble even maintaining levels of maintenance as a parent, much less growing and learning how to get better. We made it work but it was dysfunctional.

When William was four and Laura was two, I accepted a new job in Tallahassee and we moved, leaving behind a lot of family and friends but returning to a city we loved that also had family and friends. I also inherited a 10-minute commute and a lot more time at home. I did not make a quality adjustment to my new life. I never saw my shorter drive as anything other than an opportunity to sleep later, even when Hope consistently got up to deal with the early rising children. I did marginally better evenings and weekends but I had little issue with Hope carrying the load, handling the hard stuff which was anything except playing and yelling, two of my gifts. Consciously or not, my thinking was what had worked before, could work in perpetuity.

I was wrong and it was time to step to the next level.

Hope finally decided to have a talk with me and let me know that the current situation was not working. It was in the family’s best interest that I make some changes. Not being one to miss a chance to get defensive and whine, I asked for specifics. She said I could start by getting up earlier in the morning and eating breakfast with the family. I was reasonably sure I could do that, so I vowed to adjust. After a couple of weeks of me sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper, Hope decided we needed to talk again. I can see the entire scene in my mind even as I type this today. Where I was sitting, where William and Laura were and, more importantly, what Hope said to me from the kitchen. And I can remember because it not only took me to another level as a parent, it changed my life.  She was exasperated and she said, “Look, if you’re just going to sit there and read the paper and not even look at us, just stay in bed.”  It was one of those rare occasions where something said in frustration actually got through; it left a mark but was necessary. I realized it takes more than just showing up to be a father. I had a lot to learn and the first step was actually paying attention to what was happening around me, taking my eyes off me and scanning the room. Those little eyes staring back needed me, not the back of the sports page.

That day began my journey to being a lot more attentive and purposeful when interacting with the family. I began the slow move from being strictly the breadwinner and funny guy who yells to William, Laura and, eventually, Jordan’s dad.  And, in the process, a much better husband to Hope.

8/10/2012

Us: Security



[This series will run every Monday and Friday for as long as I can remember the stories within 79% accuracy. Check back often or, better yet, use the RSS (Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)and sign up for automatic reminders whenever there is a new post.]

All three of our children coped with infancy in different ways. William took to a pacifier easily so we let him. Jordan exited the womb sucking his thumb, literally, and had no interest in a pacifier. Laura screamed. For the first eight months of her life she was eating, sleeping or screaming. And it was numbing. Looking back, eight months out of 24 years is a small ratio, but when you are living it and it is all you know, eight months out of eight months is exhausting. At one point I spoke out loud what Hope and I were both thinking: Is there a warranty on this one?

What compounded the issues with Laura was how easy William had been up to that point. Even at two years old he was thoughtful, obedient and sweet and Hope and I thought this whole parenting gig was going to be pretty easy. Four months in with The Screamer, we had alienated most of our friends, a few family members and were on the watch list for every grocery store in our county. Even a Winn-Dixie manager gave us the stink eye one time and everyone knows how hard it is to get the attention of a manager at Winn-Dixie. When we tried to go out to eat as a family, we always had to split the meal up in shifts, me walking her around outside while Hope ate and trading off when she had finished. We tried to ignore all of the stares and head shakes of disgust as we traversed the public square but it wasn't easy. What they could not possibly know was they were only getting this symphony for an hour; we were living it every hour of every day. One evening, Hope and I agreed that we would gladly trade what little parenting credit we received for William if people would stop blaming us for Laura. No one took us up on the offer.

One of the downsides of pacifiers, thumbs and any other form of security is eventually the kid needs to move on. William was extremely attached to his pacifier and was determined to fight us to the best of his ability as we began the process of weaning him. We tried a lot of things, but the idea that eventually worked was when Hope started slowly snipping of the rubber end of the pacifier, making it shorter and harder to hold on to with his teeth. Every couple of days she would trim a little more until he decided it wasn't worth it to work so hard and quit wanting one. Since Jordan sucked his thumb, slowly trimming his actual digit was not a viable solution but, with enough coaxing, warning and, eventually, ridicule, he also gave up his security device, only lapsing when he was very tired and almost asleep.

Laura turned her corner one Saturday morning and, like quitting cold turkey, she stopped and never looked back. That morning I woke up and stared at the ceiling. Something was wrong. It took me a few minutes to realize I had actually woken up on my own. I wasn't forced out of bed by losing rock-paper-scissors to Hope again then stumbling across the house to pick up Laura before she woke William, causing the dominoes of a painful morning to start falling. I climbed out of bed, walked as quietly as possible toward her room and peaked through the slightly opened door. And there was my daughter, lying on her back, grabbing at her toes and singing to herself. I should have enjoyed the moment and watched her a little longer, soaking in those first moments of witnessing the real Laura emerge. But I chose to go wake my wife and share the great news that, yes, might could have waited until she got the satisfaction of waking up on her own (and Hope’s response taught me a lesson that day). But nothing could dampen the fact that what had gone down screaming had woken to song. And Laura was done. It was like the mechanism in her soul that was fighting the transition from womb to Florida just gave out. And from that day forward she was the happiest baby we raised. But I still wish she had chosen the pacifier.

8/07/2012

HBTY, JD!

 

Today, my youngest child turns 21. For Jordan, “then” and “now” pictures represent a significant pilgrimage, even in his relatively short life. From athlete through multiple surgeries to musician, all of the cul de sac’s and relentless side roads were frustrating and confusing and, more than once, self-induced. But with fresh eyes we glimpse how God was directing his journey (regardless how hard he tried to fight against His blueprints). We have all learned that hard isn’t always wrong, and sometimes it is the only method that works. And, yes, it worked.

Happy birthday, Jordan Davis Colle. You have brought much joy, life (and prayer) to our lives and we are thrilled God entrusted your early years to our care. It has been fun and I have zero doubts it is going to get even funner. 


Photo courtesy of Crosswild

8/06/2012

Us: Bed Time


[This series will run every Monday and Friday for as long as I can remember the stories within 79% accuracy. Check back often or, better yet, use the RSS (Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)and sign up for automatic reminders whenever there is a new post.]

One of the earliest decisions we had to make in our parenting life was what to do with the newborn at night. The first few nights home from the hospital, Hope would get William out of his bed in our room, feed him and then, if I was lucky, she would return him to his bed when done. A couple of times she did not make it to step three and William would spend the short time between feeding lodged between us. We were sleeping in a full size bed at the time, so having a small, new life wedged between us freaked me out. I could not sleep for fear of rolling over on top of him so I would lie there, perched perilously on the extreme edge of my side of the bed and watch him and his mom sleep. (Hope received special New Mom Dispensation for her need to sleep at this time for obvious reasons. What I didn’t know was, once offered, she would claim this dispensation forever.) No, it wasn’t an enjoyable bonding moment but it didn’t curdle into resentment and anger either. It was strictly survival and I could see my future if we didn’t discuss the situation. So we talked and decided we would make a conscious effort to avoid sharing the bed in the future.

Once William got moved to his own room and began his night tethered to his parents via room monitor, the issue went away. He was sleeping through the night and 90% of the time when he woke up crying could be handled by one of us rooting around to find the pacifier he had lost contact with. (We eventually began leaving six pacifiers in his crib, strategically placed in each corner and along each side so that we could go in, quickly find a replacement for him and get back to our own bed without actually opening our eyes and, sometimes, without waking up at all.) The decision phase came right after William moved into his “big boy” bed and achieved total mobility. Every night he attempted to leave his room and spend some bonus quality time with his parents and every night I took advantage of my obnoxiously deep voice and told him to leave us alone and get back in bed. Being the first born, he obeyed.

But it was after we had gone to bed followed by the sound of his little feet padding across the living room, warning us of an incoming violation of air space, that we had to actually put a rule in place. My suggestion was to just keep yelling, something I was good at and tended to use as my default response to everything. Hope, on the other hand, came up with an actual solution (a common thread in our parenting, tag team, relationship). She decided that constantly turning away the child was a touch cruel but opening the gates of our bed for an every night visitor (and you know that would happen) was no less cruel. So she created a palette on the floor, a couple of blankets and a pillow, and designated that spot for William (and all the other kids moving forward) when they decided to visit us during the night. No need to check in and let us know you are there. No fees or taxes would be applied. Just come in, lie down and go back to sleep. And it worked. They accepted the rule and were content to be in the room with us and we were content to not know they were there, sleep undisturbed. Occasionally, I would disrupt the peace by stepping on one of them getting up in the morning but that only happened a few times, early in the process, before I trained myself to check.

Some evenings one of them would come in before I was asleep, usually Laura (she inherited my lack of need for sleep whereas the boys fell happily into the genetic arms of their mother’s need for “at least eight hours, if not more”), and I enjoyed spying on them as I faked being unconscious. It was fun to watch them march in and command their space, happy to have entered the sacred sleeping grounds of the adults. And Laura always brought a purse with her. I guess she wanted to be prepared in case we decided to start charging after all.

8/03/2012

Us: The Power of Three


[This series will run every Monday and Friday for as long as I can remember the stories within 79% accuracy. Check back often or, better yet, use the RSS (Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)and sign up for automatic reminders whenever there is a new post.]


When Jordan was born in 1991, Hope and I looked up and found ourselves with three little people in our house all under the age of five. Now, why we did not do the math before deciding to have a third child at that particular time, I couldn't tell you. All I know is the house was suddenly smaller and a good deal louder. We had always talked about having three kids; that number, for some reason, had just felt right. Of course, talking wistfully as newlyweds is a lot different than having a serious discussion about adding a third child to the mix when you have actual evidence to apply to your argument. And  one evening one of those pieces of evidence, our daughter, while taking a bath with her brother and giving Hope and I a few minutes of rest, pooped in the tub, causing her brother to straddle the water, his feet balanced on each side of the tub, screaming, not in pain, but in disgust. It was the perfect time to say, “Yeah, let's add some more excitement to this house.”

And we did. Now, I am getting ready to share something with you that may make you hate both Hope and I, but it is germane to the topic at hand. Whenever we decided to have a baby, we got pregnant within a month. And we did this three times. Hope's dad had warned me that this was possible before I married his oldest daughter. He told me, “Jay, be careful. These Davis women are fertile. Hope's mom got pregnant every time I hung my pants on the bed post.” At first I figured he was giving me veiled warnings against premarital sex (which worked), but it was later that his words became prophetic. And it was those words, combined with experience, that caused Hope and I to both get fixed after Jordan was born. We weren't taking any chances.

Part of the reason we wanted to have three children was that I come from a long line of threes. My dad was the oldest of three (boy, girl, boy) and I was the oldest in my nuclear crew of three (boy, girl, boy). The odds of Hope and I doing the same thing with the same birth order was, well, I have no idea, but it had to be a safe bet that something in there would be different. But we ended up pulling the hat trick of hat tricks and finished off our family with the third boy, girl, boy sequence in a row. (Note: Hope came from a family of four kids so she had to imagine that everything I was saying about the Power of Three and any other nonsense in this arena was of value and worth listening to. I always took her head nodding and glassy stare as silent agreement, never once considering she was thinking of her happy place and tuning me out.)

We have often talked about that decision. There were times during Jordan's middle and high school days when we talked about it a little more than we probably should have. But, we also talk about what our world would be like without Jordan. The powerful mix of William, Laura and Jordan was exactly what Hope and I needed and, I believe, what God intended. Three distinct personalities requiring three distinct parenting styles and three distinct levels of prayer. Plus, without Jordan, Laura would have never suffered payback for her early bathtub antics because Jordan took care of that when he pooped in the tub while taking a bath with her.

8/02/2012

What It Is


My wife and I have been blessed beyond all levels of common sense and fairness with three incredible children. They are all adults now (well, the youngest will be 21 in less than a week but I refuse to get into a bout of legalism on my own blog) so the planting, watering and pruning is over and Hope and I are now able to enjoy the fruits of our labor. (Yes, I am equating them to produce but they won't mind, mainly because I have called them a lot worse over the years.) But, if I am honest (and, really, why wouldn't I be?), Hope and I know better than anyone that, without the grace of God, we did way more to screw the kids up than to make them turn out as functional, sane and pleasant as they are.

And that is why we always get a horrified look on our face whenever someone suggests we write a parenting book. Okay, sometimes I just laugh nervously but I am making a horrified face on the inside. I promise. Just to entertain the thought that I have anything concrete to offer someone out there who is genuinely seeking advice on how to raise their spawn makes me feel nauseous. If pushed, I could tell you, “Pray often” but that would be a really short book as well as lacking a shred of originality. (Although a short book might actually get read, and I would only need one bullet point.) So, no, there will not be any how-to books forthcoming from us. But I am willing to work out a compromise. Since trying to tell you what to do with your own children makes me uncomfortable, I am willing to share with you some insight on how to raise William, Laura and Jordan. I know, it has already happened and, odds are, your offspring are nothing like my three are or were—there are no two alike. Like snowflakes. (Heck, sometimes the same kid has more than one person living inside them.) I didn't say this would be a fair compromise, I just offered it as a solution. (You notice how I am acting like you, the person reading this, are one of the people that has asked us to write a parenting book? Pretty clever, huh? I refuse to consider that you didn't even know I was married...)

So, starting tomorrow, I will pepper this blog with stories from the Colle family that may or may not shed some light on what to do with your children. But, I am confident you will walk away thinking less of Hope and I and look at my kids as the miracles they are, crafted and carved by God's grace and saved from the all-to-human ideas and suggestions of their thoroughly confused and clueless parents. Come back and join the fun...

8/01/2012

The Prodigal Post


In case anyone noticed, I took the month of July off, deliberately staying away from all kinds of digital input, affording myself a chance to clean out the gutters and reevaluate what needs to stay and, more importantly, what needs to go in my little cocoon. (Yes, my cocoon has gutters, but they weren't cheap.) I won't bore you with the details, not because it wasn't a successful exercise—it was—but because to spout off about this type of activity can start sounding self-absorbed and entirely too navel gazing for my taste (and, I assume, yours). Let's just leave it at this: I learned some things and I changed some things. It was worth it.

In trying to determine what should stay or go, I never really considered dropping this blog. I have been posting here since 2005 so it garnered style points for longevity and that was enough to keep it around. What I had to reevaluate was the content. Forever it has been a smörgåsbord (yes, my cocoon is decorated by Ikea) of any and everything, not really having an identity aside from its attachment to my brain, as fragile and tenuous as that can be. I have tried out new story ideas, posted drawings, family photos, teased you with obnoxious vacation photos and dropped the occasional thoughtful screed when it felt right to do so. That tradition may still go on but I have decided to give myself something to write about. A theme to write to and build upon. Something to keep me interested with the distinct possibility of it having the exact opposite effect on you. But I am willing to take that risk, whether you ride along or not. And the subject will be unveiled tomorrow so return to this spot if you are interested. I may actually talk about my cocoon some more.

6/15/2012

Love Does by Bob Goff


I entered into my relationship with “Love Does” with more than a little trepidation. I am not one to jump on the “next great thing” bandwagon, regardless of platform. I am especially wary of diving into a book that “everyone is reading” and will “change your life” and has everyone gushing about the author in the particularly grating social media sound bite of “love him.” But I bucked my trend and stepped into the literary pool, gingerly.

And, after a rough start, the book hit its stride and I enjoyed it. 

My initial annoyance with the book was the moral/spiritual tie-ins with the stories in each chapter felt forced. Instead of strengthening the enjoyable tales of the author’s life, they weakened them with clumsy transitions and contrived spiritual lessons. But then chapter 13 arrived and everything changed. From “Bigger and Better” to the epilogue, the book found its voice (and its soul). And what a tale Bob Goff has to tell. His complete dedication to living a life unrestrained by tradition and limited expectations is inspiring. And I love that he always brings it back to people. To loving and listening and focusing on others. Whether it is his family, co-workers or strangers, he is devoting himself to letting Jesus shine through his actions. It is a lesson we can all learn and is summed up in this quote from the book:

“...it seems that what God does most of the time He has something to say is this... He doesn’t pass us messages, instead He passes us each other.” 

I ended up appreciating the book a lot and recommending it to several people (and even buying an analog version for my brother), but something kept gnawing at me as I read. It is obvious that Bob Goff has the resources to do the things he does and I am excited that he has been successful and has heeded that call on his life, using those resources for good. But most of his readers (okay, me) are not in that situation and trying to fit his ability to do whatever, whenever without hesitation into the reality of my limited resources was a struggle. And then he writes this in the epilogue:

“For most of us, the next step is as easy as picking up the phone, sending an e-mail, writing a letter, buying a plane ticket, or just showing up. And after that, things start happening. Things that perhaps have God’s fingerprints on them. You’ll know which ones do and which ones don’t. Pick the ones that do.”

Fair enough. It’s time to love. 

BookSneeze® has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book for review.

5/07/2012

From Three to Four



The first born of a first born of a first born and the first grandchild and great grandchild in the immediate Colle family circle sounds like it could carry with it a lot of pressure, but my oldest child has been up for the challenge since day one. Granted, he was 19 days late entering this world and his head was... well, large, and proved to be a bit of a problem for his mom that wonderful afternoon 26 years ago. And that was about the last time he gave either of us any trouble. Among his many talents and gifts, he has made us look like incredible parents and for that we will always be eternally grateful.

Today he turns 26 years old and I want to thank him for carrying our name with such class and for the not-so-small thing of bringing a wonderful addition to our clan named Julianne. She is a guarantee of his refined taste and that our family is in good hands for at least one more generation. Happy Birthday, William Jacob Colle IV. I love you and am more proud of you than you will ever know. 

5/01/2012

Sneak Pique II


Happy May Day! To celebrate this annual event, I am offering you another free preview of another story, “Back, Again.” If you read it and are intrigued, you can purchase the full electronic version here

Other stories are also available:



Note: When you purchase one of the stories, you can download and read it on the Kindle app on your computer or phone; you don’t have to own a physical Kindle.

Back, Again

By Jay Colle

Chapter One

September 4
Dear Pastor Enzo,
It is with all of the seriousness I can muster that I write this letter to inform you I am done with Christianity. Obviously, that means I will no longer be attending the church. I want to make it clear this has nothing to do with you so please don’t take it personally. I am not disappointed in you or your teachings although you and they did contribute to my decision but only a little bit. I will not be attending another church so don’t bother asking. As far as I know, Ellen and the kids will still be attending but I can’t confirm that. Understandably, my wife and I are suffering some communication issues right now. I wish you the best of luck as you lead your flock into the future. I will chart your progress from afar.
Till whenever,
Earl Benton

Chapter Two

I had mailed the letter to my pastor days ago. I hadn’t heard from him and didn’t think I would. What could he say to me? I doubt there are many classes offered at seminary that taught future pastors how to respond to longstanding members of their congregation that decide the whole Christianity business is a sham. My initial dilemma had more to do with timing than anything else. Did my new, heathen life officially start the minute I wrote the letter and proclaimed the announcement in print? Or did it start once the pastor received the letter, thereby having an officer of the church duly notified? Not exactly a blessing but almost. Hard to say and, honestly, I don’t think it mattered all that much. After all, it was my decision and it became sanctioned the minute I said it was sanctioned—mentally, verbally or otherwise. The fact that I pondered that question at all showed I had a lifetime of built-in authority issues to claw through.

My decision to abandon Christianity wasn’t a knee jerk reaction to some catastrophic event or the result of an unexpected death of a loved one. That would have made the decision superficial and doomed to fad status, here today and probably not here tomorrow. The initial germination may have been budding inside me my entire life. I’d always been a ponderer, someone who thought and worried too much, and my spiritual life was by no means off limits to my internalized dramas. Of course, I say that but, thinking back, I probably put a mental governor on my creeping reservations because, according to a lifetime of teaching and indoctrination, doubt was a sin and hell had special vats of boiling oil for those who turned away.

With that hot liquid in mind I could only imagine what my wife was thinking when I caught her staring at me, eyes wide, lips mashed together, unable to verbalize the angst winding through her emotional reserves. I had made it a point in our 23 years of marriage to try and share with her whatever was on my mind, no matter how inane or odd. And boy, did I ever have a lot of thoughts in both categories. This verbal sharing habit served the duel purpose of making me more endearing (in a “it must be a wonderful little planet that you live on” kind of way) and scaring her to the point of tears (in a “if you follow through with that I will never speak to you again” kind of way). For both of those reasons I decided to keep my developing thoughts about abandoning Christianity to myself. When I first started toying with the idea I managed to scare even myself so I didn’t dare drag Ellen into the process. Maybe it was a subtle form of spiritual chivalry but I didn’t want to haul her through my mental flipping just for exercise. She deserved to be spared. Of course, my gallantries made the impact of my announcement pack a much larger whollop than was probably necessary but I’m not sure anything would have sufficiently prepared her. She hadn’t spoken to me since I told her, which was probably best because I had 45 years of habits and processes that needed to be adjusted. Her silence gave me a chance to gain a toehold in my new life of heathenry.

On Tuesday I woke up at 6:01, the same time I had been waking up for as long as I can remember (when it wasn’t 5:30). I always enjoyed the mornings because the house was silent and it gave me some time to enjoy my domain without interruption. The kids varied school schedules required a complicated matrix of alarms and wakeup calls, but I had routinely given myself 15 minutes of quiet before the whistles of water pipes and the screeching of clothes drawers broke the calm.

Ever since junior high school I had spent those minutes reading the Bible, praying and writing in my journal. The omnipresent specter of The Quiet Time has hung over the followers of Christianity for hundreds of years. Sunday School teachers and Small Group Leader’s have waved it like a club over the heads of believer’s young and old. Approach any spiritual authority figure with a problem in your life and the first response is usually, “How is your Quiet Time? Are you being faithful in your Time With the Lord?” The tilt of the head, furrowed brow and softly bitten lower lip only added to the seriousness of the unspoken accusation. In the areas of prayer and Bible study, the laity are guilty until proven guiltier. And we are guilty, because no one, not even the exalted accuser, can keep up the torrid, expected pace of Daily Devotionals every morning of the week. Those that came close were either cripplingly legalistic or bucking for a Perfect Attendance With God plaque from their Sunday School class. And really, at 14 years old, in my darkest hour of need, I could never understand why the Quiet Time question was at the top of the response list when I had just confessed of my paralyzing desire to see the preacher’s daughter naked.

Over and over we were told by the adults–either from the pulpit or in casual conversation in the Church parking lot–habits can be formed in 30 days. “Give it a month and you will be amazed at how easy it is to get up in the morning and dive right in. Before long you will find yourself jumping out of bed and, odds are, you will experience a bad day if you don’t have your Quiet Time.” When I was in high school, one teacher was honest enough to admit he couldn’t get through his without a cup of coffee but, in his easy rationalizing style, he figured God made the coffee beans and that rendered special dispensation on caffeine. The thirty-day theory never worked for me. I remember thinking it was because I had been inconsistent with my start times or maybe I had carried out the Quiet Time a couple of mornings when I’d rather been sleeping. I’m sure insincerity counted against you just as much as caffeine counted on the positive side of the holy ledger. I also remember thinking how it was unfortunate that I wasn’t allowed to drink coffee in high school and that my parent’s should be held partially responsible for my inconsistent Quiet Time. At least I was learning rationalization from my teacher.

Until today. Rationalization was unnecessary. In my foggy journey to the edge of the bed I realized I had no reason to be awake. No Bible to read, no journal to record sad and sappy thoughts and D.J., my daughter, wasn’t due her wake-up nudge for another 30 minutes. I threw everything into reverse and dug into the comforter for another half hour of heathen sleep.

But I couldn’t pull it off. The minute my head hit the pillow I was wide-awake. I could not have been more alert if someone had splashed me with cold water. Lying on my side, double pillows stacked under my head, I started receiving mental snap shots from some deeply hidden crevice in the section of my brain responsible for doling out memories. The stills started cross-dissolving slowly and I could distinguish details from each one. I was young, usually reading, sometimes drawing, but always alone. As each picture was replaced by another, the pace of the flips quickened. For a brief period of time the speed allowed me to see myself in flip-book animation style and it looked like I was eating books and then passing them through the back of the chair. After a few minutes watching myself power read, the transitions were flipping too fast and the whole thing disintegrated into an origami egret and flew away. I spent the rest of the time staring at the floor fan, praying, no, hoping the egret would not return. At 6:30 I climbed out of bed and began my day.
 © 2012 Jay Colle

4/26/2012

Sneak Pique


Today, I offer you a free preview of my story, “Adam Mahoney, You Just Won!” If you read it and are intrigued, you can purchase the full electronic version here

Other stories are also available:



Note: When you purchase one of the stories, you can download and read it on the Kindle app on your computer or phone; you don’t have to own a physical Kindle.


Adam Mahoney, You Just Won!
By Jay Colle

Chapter One
Adam Mahoney was a tall man, too long for his bed, which reduced sleeping to a necessity and rarely a joy. He had developed a habit of waking up one minute before his alarm released its peal, a habit so ingrained into his daily routine that he had forgotten what his alarm sounded like. That explained why one particular morning in August the piercing whine that woke him sent a shock through him so complete that he lost control of his senses as well as his bladder and, subsequently, soaked his sheets. He was so disoriented that he had said “hello” three times into the phone receiver before he realized the racket was coming from his alarm clock. After slapping the night stand aimlessly for another few seconds he finally found the box and mashed every button until the screaming stopped.

It took him several minutes to calm down, aided by deep, cleansing breaths and several long draws on a cigarette, at which time the full impact of the wake-up call registered and, as his heart rate calmed, he began the process of cleaning up. He stripped his bed of all the linens and was relieved to see there had been minimal soak-through on his mattress. He gathered the large wad of sheets and headed toward the washing machine that was sharing space with the kitchen pantry on the other side of the house. As he crammed the offensive mess into the washer’s opening, he stripped off his clothes and added them to the load. He dusted the soap powder on top, closed the lid and moved toward the kitchen, naked and in dire need of coffee and another cigarette.

He started the brewing process, pulled a chair away from the dining room table and dragged it into the kitchen, setting it in front of the counter where the coffee was starting to gurgle and hiss. He sat down, lit a cigarette, leaned forward and rested his chin on the countertop, watching the slowly filling glass canister two feet away. As he stared, the adrenaline from his earlier scare finally released from his body and a flood of tired washed over him. He drew on the cigarette but its usual medicinal effects weren’t enough to cut through the haze. His eyelids began their shutting flutter and he gave in, just for a few seconds, until the final growl and wheeze of the coffee maker alerted him it was time to drink. He stood, ground out his cigarette in the sink and opened the cabinet door directly above the coffee maker, grabbed a large mug and reached for the sugar. He liked to add the sweetener first and let the hot liquid obliterate the crystals when they met at the bottom of the cup. He thought the sugar never evaporated as well if you dropped it into a full cup although he had no proof beyond his experience to prove it was true. Instead of his fingers hitting the metal of the sugar container they grazed against paper, an envelope resting against the container, white and clean, the size of a greeting card. It startled him not because he rarely received mail, which was true, but more because he hadn’t left the card there. He was sure of it.

He picked up the envelope and saw his name on the front in a fancy script, obviously handwritten with care and skill. “Mr. Adam Mahoney,” he read aloud. “Well, that’s me, but where the hell did this come from?” He rifled through his memory, trying to remember if he had been handed the envelope elsewhere and had absent-mindedly left it on the counter but he knew even as he walked through that mental exercise he had nothing to do with the letter or card or invitation. That meant someone had snuck into his house and placed it there, which wasn’t that big of a surprise since his hometown was small and his neighborhood was safe; locking the house was more of an afterthought than a necessity. He turned the envelope over and chuckled as he saw that it had been sealed with red wax, an unintelligible imprint of an official looking seal embedded sloppily off center. “Fancy,” he said as he turned it to a severe angle, manipulating the light to hit it in such a way that he could see it better and possibly read it. Unfortunately, there had been too much shift when whoever created it had mashed the seal into the wax. It offered no clues about its origin.

He set the envelope down, dropped two spoons of sugar in his cup and poured the coffee. He wasn’t one to rush into a mystery and this definitely qualified, at least in his life. Ever since his divorce he became even less spontaneous, a process his ex-wife believed was emotionally impossible. His lack of improvisation was, according to her, one of the contributing factors to their breakup. She never could understand that, after spending full days in a cubicle answering phones at the customer service desk at the plant, he had no burning desire to stretch his wings, go wild, cut loose. She was much more social than he and it had been a constant struggle to please her. But even she might agree this seemed like a great situation to practice some discipline. So he enjoyed his coffee and was content to just stare at the paper intruder.

He finally set down his nearly empty coffee cup and picked up the envelope again. He turned it over and gently pulled at the flap, cringing as the paper lost the battle with the wax, ripping between the seal and the crease. As he lifted the folded sheet of paper out of the envelope he caught a faint whiff of strawberries and assumed the papers were scented. “Must be from a girl,” he thought and that brought a slight, knowing smile to his face. “Not bloody likely.” He set the envelope down and unfolded the paper that had been stuffed inside. The contents were not at all what he was expecting, if he was expecting anything at all.

Dear Mr. Adam Mahoney,
This letter is to inform you that you are now the last man standing on earth. As of four this morning (E.S.T.) your planet has been wiped clean of all human life by a small group of extraterrestrial beings, aliens if you must, though we prefer the term Squatters. We were bored and wanted to see what would happen if we left only one person on a reasonably functional planet such as your own. You can consider it a science experiment except that we aren’t scientists, just satiated, super-intelligent beings looking for something to do on a Saturday night. We did you a huge favor by disposing of all of the bodies because to not do so would have been uncivilized and, quite frankly, a bit gross. One other thing, when we referenced “human life” earlier in this note we, unfortunately for you, are including the female of your species as well as all animals. Yes, you really are “it.” You are on your own and we wish you the best of luck as you survive. Good luck and we’ll be watching.

P.S. In case you were wondering (but why would you?) there is a small wager amongst us on how this little experiment will conclude but we will try to refrain from influencing your decisions. Our sense of fair play will, hopefully, overrule our competitive and individual desires to win. You can only hope…

Adam was confused and then amused as he read The Note. It was handwritten but he didn’t recognize the script, which was beautiful and meticulously rendered. He was convinced it was a joke but he could not imagine anyone in his life clever enough to come up with the idea much less pull it off. Certainly no one at work would have done it and, unless the delivery guy from Tony’s suddenly had a burst of motivation—and he could barely look him in the eyes during transactions—that crossed off the people from his anemic social life. He glanced at the clock over the stove and realized it was too early to call anyone and see if they had been included in the joke so he decided to take a shower and deal with it after he was clean and dressed. On the way to the bathroom he stopped to turn on his computer so he could check email before he left for work.

After showering, Adam lit a cigarette, walked over to his desk and sat down to see if he had received any overnight emails. He double-clicked his browser icon and was surprised how fast it loaded onto the screen. “It’s not that early,” he thought. “But no complaints. Good for me.” His inbox flashed up on the screen almost before he had finished selecting the link. “They must have upgraded the lines,” he reasoned. “This is damn fast.” He finished checking his messages in less than five minutes and glanced at his watch to make sure it wasn’t too early to call someone and ask them about the prank letter. It was 7:30 so he felt comfortable contacting a co-worker considering they all had to be at work at eight, just like himself. He tried Peter first but he had apparently left for work early so he left a message on his answering machine. Blaine didn’t answer either, but he usually went to eat breakfast at the diner before work so there was nothing unusual about that. As a last resort he called his mother, sure she would be home because she never went anywhere. His heart rate began accelerating with each unanswered ring and for the first time a small finger of dread reached up and poked his belly. “This is ridiculous,” he said. “I can’t believe I’m feeling like this. Mom’s probably in the bathroom.” He hung up the receiver and lit another cigarette.

He moved through the house and out the front door, deciding to check in with his neighbors. It was now less about the letter and more about seeing a smiling, familiar face. “Hell, at this point I’d accept someone grumpy.” He walked through his front yard, ignoring the damp grass coating his bare feet and hopped over the two-step landing to the front porch of the Harrison home, his long time neighbors to his right. He knocked on the door and waited. There was no sound coming from inside the house, a strange silence for a family with three children under eight, but he pushed down any negative thoughts and rang the doorbell; he would apologize if he woke up one of the babies. After two long minutes and several doorbell rings he decided they weren’t home. “I think they mentioned to me they were going out of town,” he thought. “I just didn’t realize it was this week.” He walked quickly to the neighbor’s house on the other side of his property, knocking politely and waiting. After two more knocks and three doorbell rings he started becoming concerned. “Why didn’t anyone tell me they were leaving town?” he asked out loud, a little too loud, not expecting an answer.

As he jogged across the street to see if the Broughton’s were home, something stopped him, an internal brake that sensed things weren’t right. He stood still and listened for a moment and realized there was nothing to listen to. No dogs barking, no trucks on the interstate, no churning of school busses or squealing delivery vehicle brakes. He had never heard it so quiet, anywhere. It wasn’t right, the silence, it was too thick and still. Something was wrong but he refused to let his mind drift toward the contents of the letter and sprinted to the front door of Phil and Sue Broughton’s home. He rang the doorbell, pushing it over and over with his thumb, simultaneously banging on the front door with his fist. “There’s no way this can be true, it’s ridiculous. There has to be a logical explanation.” He kept repeating that thought, trying to convince himself but knowing with each beat on the door it wasn’t working. Then, just as the quiet had stopped him in his sprint, a brilliant thought flashed into his brain and he dropped his hands, turned and looked toward his house. “Television,” he thought. As he ran across the Broughton’s yard and into the street he yelled “Television! Television!” unconcerned about waking any of his displaced neighbors, convinced that seeing live, talking news people would finally poke a hole in the charade.

He bounded through his front door and threw the sofa cushions onto the floor, searching for the remote control. When he found it he wheeled around and aimed it toward his television, hands shaking, ready to be right. The black screen flickered and light grew from the center to reveal a commercial for floor cleaner, its existence proving nothing. He fumbled with the numbered buttons on the remote, trying to push the correct sequence for one of the 24-hour news channels but he was flustered and it took three tries before he was successful. In mere seconds he wished he hadn’t been. On the screen was an empty news desk, no anchors, no people on the phone behind them in the newsroom and obviously no one manning the camera which had tilted to the left, creating a strangely cropped view of the empty studio, cutting off what would have been the tops of the heads of the happy anchors. The only sound was the remote control hitting the hardwood floor as it slipped out of Adam’s hand.

© 2012 Jay Colle

4/18/2012

Stories to Tell


Beginning today, three books I have written are available through Amazon’s Kindle Owners' Lending Library program. This allows members of Amazon Prime (who own any version of a Kindle device) to check out and read my stories for free, much like a brick and mortar library. Of course, you can still purchase the eBooks at any time, but the lending library is another option and I wanted you to be aware of it. Below are the links and brief descriptions of the books that are available. If you read one, please let me know how you liked it. Any feedback is appreciated.

Note: When you purchase one of the stories, you can download and read it on the Kindle app on your computer or phone; you don’t have to own a physical Kindle. (Note: If you use the Lending Library you have to read it on a Kindle device.) See? There really are no excuses to not check out one or more of these stories...

Thanks again for your interest. Now, go read!

Back, Again
Length:  215 pages
“Back, Again” is the story of a man who spent his life doing right and, at 45, finds the results wanting. He makes a radical decision in response to his disillusionment and turns his back on his life-long faith, shirking Christianity and denying the existence of God. This isn’t brought on by tragedy or some earth-shattering event; it’s a sober decision based on doubts and disappointments. On the surface, the story deals with the ramifications of his decision and the toll it takes on long-established relationships, mainly with his wife, children and parents. It also works on deeper levels. It’s a love story between Earl and Ellen. It’s a story of a man in search of himself and it’s a story of redemption.

Store: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0046A9SXA

Two Short Stories
Length: 20 pages
“Two Short Stories” is … well, two short stories. Truth in advertising is alive and well. The first story, “Save Me, Black Jesus,” is a sober look at the prospect of dying told through the eyes of a patient in a hospital. The second story, “Oh, Tanner Baum,” is a humorous look at selecting a Christmas tree told through the eyes of a young boy. The stories are so far apart in tone and concept that they cannot see each other even if they use binoculars. Which is why it makes perfect sense to bundle them together. Seriously. Stop staring at me…

Store: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0046H9I9C

Adam Mahoney, You Just Won!
Length: 106 pages
Adam Mahoney enjoyed a normal existence in a normal town, minding his normal business, okay with being normal. He wakes one morning to discover his new normal is a life that has never been lived, much less successfully navigated. Everything he has known and is comfortable with is taken away. Faced with unlimited possibilities, what will he choose? How will he respond when he knows that no one else could possibly be affected by any action he takes? Can any choice be labelled selfish when he's the last man standing on the face of the earth?

Store: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007V2SEXA
 

4/10/2012

Happy.




From day one she made me happy. Yes, there were the shallow reasons—the smile, the dimples and the attitude. But there was something deeper at work from the start. I sensed it but wasn’t smart enough to analyze, just smart enough to leave it be and see if it stuck.

It did.

She continued to make me happy. Happy she noticed me. Happy she said yes. Happy she agreed we were worth fighting for. Happy she thought having three kids was a great idea. And that deep something that started small took over and burrowed to levels that I could not have imagined.

Yes it did.

Today we celebrate thirty years of marriage.  Today I celebrate thirty years and eleven months of happy. Deep, God-given, inspiring happy.

Happy.

2/07/2012

Tiny Blips of Joy

I was talking to my daughter about a conference she is interested in attending, one where people from different streams of Christianity are getting together to chat, and she ended the conversation by saying, “I’m such a nerd.” (Understand that any reference to talking or a conversation is a description of an instant message chat which happens to be the main way I keep track of my kids these days. And, no, they are not dispersed all over the country, just all over the county.) 

I defended her and told her that her passions were uniquely hers and that in no way made her a nerd. And it got me thinking about what makes us happy. Not the big things—when our team wins, when a child succeeds, when we get a raise—but the smaller things, the quick blips and pokes that pop up from the undercurrent of a normal day. We all have individual touch points that bring some joy into our lives, things that don’t require a group or some leader to drag you forward. The lady that picks up the trash in my office every afternoon likes it when she can just dump the contents of my small receptacle into the big can and not replace my liner. The nurse at the clinic gets excited when she finds a big vein in my left arm when I am there to have blood drawn. A friend offers “high fives” when a song ends in an open chord. Do any of those small details that bring them such joy affect me? No, but at the same time, when I read a perfect paragraph crafted by a favorite author, odds are that won’t do it for them either. 

Thank God we are all different. Thank God there is enough joy to go around. Find some...

1/20/2012

Blog Spamming at the Highest Level

This was so awesome that I had to share. Since most spam comments are over the top attempts to appeal to your vanity by telling you how awesome you are, this new (to me) and fresh approach made me laugh. Out loud. You know, LOL...

The next time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as
much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, but I
actually thought youd have something interesting to say. All I hear
is a bunch of whining about something that you could fix if you
werent too busy looking for attention.

I really hope this bot comes back and spams me again. To double the greatness, this was a comment left on my portfolio site on the "About Me" page. Yes, Mr. Bot, I am looking for attention. Thank you for doing your part.

But What Are You Thinking About?

Dedicated to Ron Nieto. He knows why...




© 2012 Jay Colle

1/05/2012

Book Review: David and the Old Man by William Zemba


This book has a wonderful, unique story wrapped up in an incredibly poorly written package. I tried to look past the writing issues because I wanted to read the tale of the Zemba family and see how it concluded but it was painful. I am frankly surprised this made it past even the lowliest set of eyes at the publisher because there are enough blatant, structural problems throughout the pages that it should have raised many red flags (and then a red pen). Even a cursory edit would have improved this book tenfold.

The story alone is fascinating and unique. Any time a writer can meld generational angst and add male anorexia into the mix, there is potential for some riveting reading. It is too bad that the story gets muddled in the rambling, repetitive and less-than-sophisticated writing style. It is a lost opportunity and we, the readers, are the poorer for it.

BookSneeze® has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book for review.

8/30/2011

The Magic Ticket


I am currently happily involved in a new project with author Ryan Sprague called “The Magic Ticket.” I provide the illustrations for a series of stories about a young boy and the adventures he has with his dad, magically traveling around the country to cities and venues known for their places in college football history. Here is the official “blurb” from the website:

Andrew Camp had no idea his grandfather left him and his father a gift. A magic ticket that takes them on a series of journeys to the meccas of college football. In a race against time, the Camp's must answer questions and solve a riddle to receive the true surprise their grandfather has waiting. Will they accomplish their goals? Will their grandfather accomplish his?

For fifteen weeks, join Andrew and his dad as they jump in the the Red Sea in Lincoln, wake up the echos in South Bend, and see Osceola plant the spear in Tallahassee. 

          Go Blue!, War Eagle!, and Boomer Sooner!
                    Nittany Lions, LSU Tigers, and the Bear... Whoa Nellie. 

It's a college football fan's dream season and a story children will love.

Read The Magic Ticket.

We start this week (Thursday, September 1) so sign up and enjoy the season in a new way. 

Website (with a “bonus” post about me): http://www.magicticketjourneys.com/

8/26/2011

Talking, but no Walking

Peace Be With You by David Carlson

David Carlson conducted more than 30 interviews with monks, nuns and other members of monastic communities around the United States, recording their thoughts and prayers in dealing with modern day terrorism. His search for answers in how they responded to 9/11 and its aftermath is the basis for his personal journey and struggle to find true peace in our time.

This book was not an easy read. I wrote more notes and scrawled more questions in the margins (well, the digital equivalent) as I read than any other book I have consumed since college. I found myself arguing on one page and on the next agreeing, which I am sure will make the author happy. I was both inspired and annoyed which makes this a tough review.

First, the inspiration. It was good to be reminded that all of humanity is loved equally by God and that, as Christians, we are commanded to love them as Christ loves them, regardless if they are terrorists or second cousins. I was also touched by the genuine love the monastic community shows in their circle of influence—whether selling jam, selling dogs or engaging visitors on their home turf. If we would all concentrate on our circle, Christ’s love would spread rapidly. Love God, love people on wheels is a grand concept.

My frustrations with the book were many but the main issue I had was the lack of instruction and real world examples of loving our enemies in a practical way. The monasteries and their occupants, much like the professor author, came across as cogs in spiritual think tanks where folks espouse the virtues of grand ideas but don’t quite get to the hard part of actually doing anything about it. I would love to have read about one of the monks who was heartbroken at the United State’s response to 9/11 and, because of this pain, was moved to action. Not dialoguing with a friendly Muslim or protesting the war (regardless of what they say, those are easy responses), but maybe moving to a Middle Eastern country, integrating themselves in the community and sitting down with the terrorists and practically working out the ideas they talked about. What does this love leading to peace look like when it is lived out on a daily basis? Alas, there was not one example of this and it would have given the book a lot more credibility if it had been included.

I, personally, do not know any Christian who hates the Muslim community (and, shockingly, I would be considered an evangelical). I do know people who live with Muslims in the Middle East (Israel, to be exact) and know first hand that Jesus is moving in their midst and changing hearts. I read about Palestinians who are Christians and know that Jesus is alive and gaining ground there as well. I also know Christians, home and abroad, who are concerned about terrorism and how to deal with it and are conflicted on how to love people who hate you and want you dead for no other reason than you don’t believe like they do. A book showing how to do that would be very helpful. A book using a giant brush to paint American Christians as blood thirsty maniacs who don’t spend any time thinking and reflecting about serious things and want all our enemies dead? Not so much.

I am glad I read this book but I am also glad to be finished with it.

BookSneeze® has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book for review.